I am choosing Death over Life.
Hello Dad, Mom, and the rest of the world.
Gotta confess now, right? I don’t wanna be in the list of
“Mystery Death”. So, just listen to what I have to say and strictly NO READING
BETWEEN THE LINES. Please.
Why do you think the frequency and wish to talk about death
has increased in me lately? I have no idea. I’m here to find out that myself.
Don’t you just get bored of few things in your life? You feel like keeping them
away from you after few days and not even think about it after that. Such a
bliss it is. What if you get bored of LIFE itself? How do you keep LIFE away
from you? Isn’t the solution,
death?
Why is death a big deal? How can you miss me so much? What
did I do to you? Did I accomplish something so big that its gonna stop having
meaning after I die? Did I make you smile? Is that why you don’t want me to
die? Is my LIFE supposed to make YOU smile? YOUR happiness? Why can’t I choose
something for myself? For example, like DEATH?
So, tell me, why did I talk about ‘unattachment’ ,
‘emotionless’ all these days? Didn’t you figure out that I was laying the path
for death? Isn’t death easy if you’re unattached and emotionless? Isn’t it?
Sometimes, I come across MANY beggars on the road, ready to
die any minute of their life. Yet, they don’t commit suicide. WHY? What beauty
do they see in life that I cant see in mine? I am a well-educated girl with a
well-educated family. I have roof over my head and a laptop to talk about such
things, yet I feel bored and wish to die at any moment of my life. Why is death
so compelling? Why is it SO interesting than LIFE itself? Why?
Do I understand that life is not worth living if you’re
bored of life and having nothing to do with or are they (beggars) SO unaware of
life that they’re not living but just trying to survive? Is the reason
‘survive’ enough to lead a life even if it is boring?
Actually, do I really need to find reasons to live my life
instead of dying just because Life is meant to live and not to die? Is that so
simple? But, why can’t I just get that into my brain? Why can’t I accept it?
Why I am not satisfied with that reason?
I’m not into any philosophical shit. I’m not leading my life
in order to find answers to “What is Life? Why are we human beings? Why I am
not an ant but a human being?” I mean, what the fuck?
Of course, I’m a hypocrite and bla bla, but who is not? How
can we escape hypocrisy? It just need to be controlled. It cannot be erased
completely cuz those who tell I’m not a hypocrite is the ACTUAL hypocrite.
Believe me. I sometimes speak sense too. Heh.
I feel so empty, great void in my heart, that I cant bear
the emptiness and I just feel the urge to die. Why is the urge? What’s
compelling me to die? Just cuz I feel empty? Why did Nietzsche commit suicide?
Why is HIS death a poetry, but not mine?
I’m not saying those who chose to live life at the fullest
are stupids. I’m not even comparing myself to them cuz the reason is simple.
They’re not bored of life yet. That is all. You people are too damn lucky.
So, you gotta understand that I chose to die because life is
boring. Not because life is a struggle. If it were a struggle, I would have
happily encountered any hurdle just for the heck of it. Again, the reason is
simple. Hurdles are not boring. They are interesting and that’s what makes me
wanna live. What’s the point of life if life is too boring to live? THAT POINT.
I’m missing that point in my life. The reason to commit
suicide is “Life is too boring to live”, enough of a reason at all? Do I need
to have a bigger reason to die just like I need a bigger reason to live? Isn’t
life a construction to death (as told by one of my friend)?
I have many questions, but only one reason. That reason is
compelling me to die instead of living. Don’t ask silly questions like, ‘What
about your parents? What about your friends?’
I get disgusted by them. I seriously don’t know why. One
day, everything is going to collapse into oblivion. One day, I’ll be forgotten
by all of you cuz your mind is too simple to remember me for a life time.
If I want anyone to remember me for one thing, that would be
“I remember that girl, cuz she decided to die because life was boring to her”.
Yep, that one.
On this note, I will take a leave. Thanks for reading this
piece of my heart. It really means a lot to me even if you consider that am a
stupid brat with crappy mind. I have no right to judge you, but am giving you a
reason to judge me. Thank you once again.
Sayonara.
--
PS: I’m kidding, I won’t die yet. Not until I can taste all
the dark chocolates in this world. For now, that’s the reason why I am still
alive.
