My Suicide Note

I am choosing Death over Life.

Hello Dad, Mom, and the rest of the world.

Gotta confess now, right? I don’t wanna be in the list of “Mystery Death”. So, just listen to what I have to say and strictly NO READING BETWEEN THE LINES. Please.

Why do you think the frequency and wish to talk about death has increased in me lately? I have no idea. I’m here to find out that myself. Don’t you just get bored of few things in your life? You feel like keeping them away from you after few days and not even think about it after that. Such a bliss it is. What if you get bored of LIFE itself? How do you keep LIFE away from you? Isn’t the solution, 

death?

Why is death a big deal? How can you miss me so much? What did I do to you? Did I accomplish something so big that its gonna stop having meaning after I die? Did I make you smile? Is that why you don’t want me to die? Is my LIFE supposed to make YOU smile? YOUR happiness? Why can’t I choose something for myself? For example, like DEATH?

So, tell me, why did I talk about ‘unattachment’ , ‘emotionless’ all these days? Didn’t you figure out that I was laying the path for death? Isn’t death easy if you’re unattached and emotionless? Isn’t it?

Sometimes, I come across MANY beggars on the road, ready to die any minute of their life. Yet, they don’t commit suicide. WHY? What beauty do they see in life that I cant see in mine? I am a well-educated girl with a well-educated family. I have roof over my head and a laptop to talk about such things, yet I feel bored and wish to die at any moment of my life. Why is death so compelling? Why is it SO interesting than LIFE itself? Why?

Do I understand that life is not worth living if you’re bored of life and having nothing to do with or are they (beggars) SO unaware of life that they’re not living but just trying to survive? Is the reason ‘survive’ enough to lead a life even if it is boring?

Actually, do I really need to find reasons to live my life instead of dying just because Life is meant to live and not to die? Is that so simple? But, why can’t I just get that into my brain? Why can’t I accept it? Why I am not satisfied with that reason?

I’m not into any philosophical shit. I’m not leading my life in order to find answers to “What is Life? Why are we human beings? Why I am not an ant but a human being?” I mean, what the fuck?

Of course, I’m a hypocrite and bla bla, but who is not? How can we escape hypocrisy? It just need to be controlled. It cannot be erased completely cuz those who tell I’m not a hypocrite is the ACTUAL hypocrite. Believe me. I sometimes speak sense too. Heh.

I feel so empty, great void in my heart, that I cant bear the emptiness and I just feel the urge to die. Why is the urge? What’s compelling me to die? Just cuz I feel empty? Why did Nietzsche commit suicide? Why is HIS death a poetry, but not mine?

I’m not saying those who chose to live life at the fullest are stupids. I’m not even comparing myself to them cuz the reason is simple. They’re not bored of life yet. That is all. You people are too damn lucky.

So, you gotta understand that I chose to die because life is boring. Not because life is a struggle. If it were a struggle, I would have happily encountered any hurdle just for the heck of it. Again, the reason is simple. Hurdles are not boring. They are interesting and that’s what makes me wanna live. What’s the point of life if life is too boring to live? THAT POINT.

I’m missing that point in my life. The reason to commit suicide is “Life is too boring to live”, enough of a reason at all? Do I need to have a bigger reason to die just like I need a bigger reason to live? Isn’t life a construction to death (as told by one of my friend)?

I have many questions, but only one reason. That reason is compelling me to die instead of living. Don’t ask silly questions like, ‘What about your parents? What about your friends?’

I get disgusted by them. I seriously don’t know why. One day, everything is going to collapse into oblivion. One day, I’ll be forgotten by all of you cuz your mind is too simple to remember me for a life time.

If I want anyone to remember me for one thing, that would be “I remember that girl, cuz she decided to die because life was boring to her”. Yep, that one.

On this note, I will take a leave. Thanks for reading this piece of my heart. It really means a lot to me even if you consider that am a stupid brat with crappy mind. I have no right to judge you, but am giving you a reason to judge me. Thank you once again.

Sayonara.

--

PS: I’m kidding, I won’t die yet. Not until I can taste all the dark chocolates in this world. For now, that’s the reason why I am still alive.